Everyone has a back story… Each of our backstory’s is unique as they encompass all that we’ve seen, experienced and been exposed to over the course of our lives.
In fact, no two back stories are the same and so it’s impossible to overlay your life experiences and expectations over another person and not be judgemental.
I know I’ve been guilty of this… something I’m not proud of.
In most cases interactions are taken at face value and therefore first impressions matter most. We never consider the journey that your counterpart has undertaken, their life experiences, the ups and downs that have brought you together.
Generally, it’s about the look of this person and the vibe that they are giving off – almost all of it non-verbal. All these are gleaned within the first seven seconds of meeting someone and often form the basis of your lasting impression.
Simple things like – whether or not they shake hands. If they do, is the handshake strong or weak? Are they quiet, or shy, arrogant or loud, or confident and businesslike?
What about their physical appearance? Are they clean, tidy and well put together or are they messy and dishevelled? Do they seem likeable and open? Do they smile, are they standing straight or slouched. Well, you get the point…
It can be difficult to then change your opinion of that person after that first interaction.
Is it human nature that makes us judge so quickly? There are a few things that bring us to this point – the first is based on our prior experience. These anchors help us connect the dots using past experiences to make a judgement and are often referred to as confirmation bias. They confirm in our minds where this person fits in based on your prior experience and places them firmly there.
The tricky part is being open enough to allow yourself to get beyond the superficial and connect with that person. In many cases, we tend to avoid people who we have a poor first impression of and so our bias is reinforced. We never to get to learn much about them due to our preconceived ideas.
This can also create a lack of understanding and thus respect which can manifest conflict and divide. Most times in our private lives we choose to avoid this person, but in a workplace environment it can be extremely toxic.
The easy fix would be for us to suspend our judgement and be more empathetic in our interactions.
Seeking to understand and learn about someone can be difficult, but it is a choice that we can consciously make.
Not all of us have the emotional intelligence to acknowledge the situation or the moment when we’re being judgemental and take a step back, however you may surprise yourself by hitting the pause button and staying open.
This level of openness takes a high level of consciousness, experience and maturity to fully grasp the moment that you’re in. Training your brain to not judge is something you have be both aware of but more importantly willing to work at.
Let’s just take a step back for a minute and look within ourselves. What events and aspects of your life have brought you to where you are today? The lessons learned, the experience that you’ve gleaned by going through the crucible of life have made you the way you are?
What are the ways that we generally handle ourselves meeting with and working with new people? How do you quickly establish your credentials, knowledge, skills and experience without being overbearing and a bit of a blowhard?
If you’re anything like me you want to work others who are competent, have the skills, competencies and experience to bring value to a situation. Sometimes you get people who can talk a great game but deliver very little. It doesn’t take long to recognize these folks and distance yourself.
The other trap beyond confirmation bias is the halo effect. This is where your first impression is strong and therefore you tend to invest and see them to be more than who they really are. This favourable image can also be as misleading as confirmation bias in that it influences you in the opposite direction and leaves you open for exploitation and possible manipulation.
Many narcissists thrive in this type of environment, and we all know that this scenario can be equally negative in the long term.
Honestly, it’s still something I have to catch myself at when meeting someone new. I have to be open and allow time and space to get to know more about them and not jump to conclusions, while at the same time not being overly taken with their persona, style and image.
Breaking this go-to mode takes time and patience, with no guarantee that the outcome may not differ from your first seven seconds, but we have to endeavour to see the whole person first.
How have you found your own experiences with meeting new people? Do you judge too quickly? If so, do they always align with your first impressions?
Next time you meet someone new try going beyond first impressions to get to know them a little better, whether in a working environment or socially and you just might surprise yourself to uncover things in common and a better understanding of each other.
For me, it’s all about the small personal wins.
Until next week.
Ciao!
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