One of the most important lessons that I’ve learned is the art of letting go! The question is – letting go of what? For me this has been more about which parts of my life I need to take a deep breath and just let it go.
For me this has mostly centered on letting go of my expectations and what I thought were truths to living a good life. Early in our lives we’re conditioned to believe that to live a good life you need to follow the norm and meet certain milestones both in several key areas.
The level of education you have is important as it often is a telltale sign of your “success”. Many think it’s imperative to go to university, graduate and then find a well-paying job that, over time you have the opportunity for promotion and climbing the corporate ladder. The status of the company matters as well, ideally a global brand that everyone can associate with is best.
Next is the amount of money you make and your ability to accumulate wealth over time. Whether this is through investments, buying or selling property or just your ability to generate money from your role, there is an expectation that you do well financially.
And finally, that you find a partner, marry, settle down and have a family.
Sound familiar? For many this is the blueprint to a perfect life. For others it is a living hell, constricted by the expectations of you, your family and friends and indeed society as a whole…
The art of letting go is not something you just wake up with one day and decide – fuck it, I’m done with all this shit. The pressure of these expectations and the ongoing grind of life generally builds up over time to a point where you either seek counselling (which I would highly recommend by the way), or just emotionally and mentally collapse and try and soldier on but barely hanging on.
Don’t worry at some point in our lives we’ve all been there is all I can say…
The most important aspect is how you react to this situation and the subsequent action that you take that will define your future path forward.
For me, it was some of these expectations, topped off with childhood sexual abuse and the associated trauma that put me over the edge. I had repressed much of this to the point where one day the flood gates opened, and I could no longer suppress these memories any longer.
Everything had gotten too much to deal with, as I felt like I would endeavour to stabilize one set of emotions stemming from one aspect of my life, before another area became overwhelming. This ongoing and relentless grind was way too much to handle and so as a last resort I finally sought counselling.
Strangely, I didn’t know what to expect in counselling. Perhaps that would help me get back on track and give me advice on what I could do to fix it all. However, I found that my initial expectations were way off the mark.
After understanding some of my challenges they asked simple, but probing questions of me that made me have to really think and answer honestly. At first, I was uncomfortable as I didn’t know this person who I was spilling my guts to. I was afraid to really let it all out as I thought that they may judge me. Naively I was still being constrained by societal boundaries.
I had to get past what other people thought of me if I was going to reclaim my sanity and indeed life. Admittedly, it took quite a few sessions of tearful (mine, not my counsellors) exchanges to get to the raw and honest truths about who I was, my fears and what I felt like I was facing each day.
Although I didn’t fully understand it at the time, these sessions were the beginning of me learning to let go. It boiled down to me being able to be brutally honest with myself, irrespective of the consequences or outcomes. I had to peel back and shed the layers of emotional protection that I had placed around myself over the years.
Everything seemed jumbled up, from the guilt and shame I felt of being sexually abused to the overwhelming expectations to be seen as a successful guy who was on his way up the corporate ladder and who had everything under control.
Yeah, none of it was accurate or true… Let’s face it I was a mess emotionally however, as I continued my counselling (over the next five years on and off), I realized that to live life on my terms I had to let go of what others thought of me and have the courage to chart my own course irrespective of what I had in front of me.
I finally understood what it was like to give myself permission to “colour outside the lines” and be okay with that. Accepting that I’ve had hurdles to face in my life and overcome these had made me into the person I am today.
This richness of life is best enjoyed when you decide that letting go of your old mindset and the associated emotions that have held you back all these years and is part of the fabric of who you are, and that it’s okay to let it all go and move on.
Giving yourself permission is the most important part.
Until next week.
Ciao!
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