A father’s heart…

A father’s heart can be just as fragile as a mothers, yet often overlooked.

Society doesn’t often talk about the feelings of failure that a father experiences when they go through a marriage breakdown.  Often we hear of the dead-beat dads who walk away from their families and don’t support them in any way.  Unfortunately, this is a common theme, but also not always the case…

Not all single fathers fit neatly into this category, sometimes they choose this new family format, other times not.  If you’ve ever been in this situation, you feel as though you have failed in some way and, as a single father you’re left with the crushing guilt of breaking up the family structure.

Whether it’s your choice or not, it leaves a lasting mark… I don’t know about other fathers in this situation, but my feelings of failure were raw, both for the impact it had on my children and also on the feeling of failure.  Having to tell them that we were splitting up was the absolute worst day of my life.

I was heartbroken!   There are just no other words to describe the feelings around that fateful day…  I felt like I had failed in so many ways.

It took the longest time for Zach and Sam to accept and finally become okay with it, but it was measured in years not months. The feelings of failure lingered and, in some ways, never really went away.

However, when my marriage ended, I made a number of vows to myself.  The first vow was that I was going to set up a home for them that continued to feel as close as possible to our prior life – similar routines, same parenting approach etc.

I purposefully chose to live close by so that the kids could easily be with me on a weekly basis while we sorted out the financial aspects and came to a settlement.  During this initial year I decided to learn to cook so as to ensure that they always had a homecooked meal when they were with me – no takeout options.

I guess it was one of my coping mechanisms to quell the ever-present feelings of failure.  The huge benefit was that I learned to enjoy my time in the kitchen and to this day do most of the cooking in our home mostly cos I love it.  Perhaps deep down it’s my love language…  providing nutritious home cooked meals to my loves – I know Judy appreciates it and when the kids visit, they have their family favourites.

After the first year, and for each subsequent home purchase both Zach and Sam were involved in choosing a new house.  Although our home in Toronto wasn’t fancy and situated in a working class neighbourhood, they helped choose it and we collectively made it into a comfortable home over time.  Each week and every other weekend we would spend together as a family unit.

As a father I was always supportive of my ex and always spoke well of her with the kids.  We continued to co-parent well and were aligned on our parenting styles, so this was not an issue, and over time developing a cordial and supportive relationship.  She will always be the mother of my children, just as I will always be their father.

I suppose over time, my feelings of failure dissipated somewhat, but it always felt like a black stain in the back of my mind.  No matter how much time passed it lingered…

Knowing yourself is important and one thing I do know about myself is that I am sentimental and easily tear up with the slightest provocation when it comes to the ones I love.  I didn’t grow up in an environment where it was okay to show your emotions, but since both of my parents have passed something changed irrevocably within me.

Over the years I created a new manifestation of parenthood.  One that wasn’t demonstrated to me as a child, but one that feels right and is more aligned to me, my values and beliefs.

Men like to pretend we’re tough, and hard but deep down each of us has a soft side.  I discovered mine when I became a parent, but even more so when I became a single father.

Since the kids have left home and gone to University, but more so now that we’re spread to the four corners of the earth with Zach in Chicago, and Sam in London (UK) it’s been difficult not seeing them and being in touch with their day-to-day lives.  I realize that this is just a normal part of raising children, but it doesn’t make it easier for me.

I’m here to tell you that a fathers heart still feels the loss of not having them in my life day-to-day…

However, there are a few lessons I learned along the way as I endeavoured to prepare them for adulthood.

It’s imperative to provide emotional security and support through your unconditional love.  Being open and actively listening to them irrespective of topic, and not judge their point-of-view, this can be challenging especially during the teen years.

Being present, and spending time with them is crucial.  The best method to help shape their values is spend time with them, and be consistent.  Challenge them and their thinking in a curiosity base way to create an environment for them to become independent decision makers is also vital. 

The method was to be a strong role model and, in my mind the best father I could be.  I hope some of this week’s essay resonated with you as you reflect on your father, husband or partner.   I challenge you to take some time to reflect on this week’s topic.

Until next week.

Ciao!