From start to finish…

If you could see your whole life from start to finish, would you change things?   An interesting question to pose ourselves and perhaps an opportunity for some self-reflection time.

The first thought that springs to mind is that I’d learn to say “I love you” more for the ones I cared about.  For much of my life I’ve held back using these words, as if they were a sign of weakness,  I suppose that’s what happens when you grow up in a home where these words were never spoken.  They were not part of our family vocabulary, as if they were a gateway to a level of vulnerability that was out of reach.

Upon reflection, perhaps it’s that I’d say what was on my mind more often.  Perhaps being unafraid of upsetting a situation or someone with the honesty of my thoughts.  Often, I hold them back, with the intent of not hurting someone’s feelings, but over time you holding back inevitably doesn’t change how you feel or the situation and that those feelings brought about and then come back to bite you in the bum…

Next, I would learn to trust and embrace my gut instincts earlier in life.  Feeling more confident in the way I interpreted my feelings and emotions and thus in some situations my decision making.  It’s not that I would change the outcomes but be more trusting and confident in my intuition.  I suppose this comes with life experience, but discovering this earlier in life would have been a useful capability.

Is it self-belief or is it trusting yourself more or perhaps the freedom to voice your opinion?   During my childhood we weren’t encouraged to share our thoughts or ideas, we were to be seen and not heard.  Thus, the lack of voice became the theme of my childhood.  Over time this perpetuated far into adult life and really it wasn’t until I began to write that I found my voice.

Strange how the lessons of our childhood are seared into our psyche to the point of shaping us so strongly.

When I moved to live in Canada this allowed me to reinvent myself for much of my adult life.  For some reason I was stuck while living in Australia to the tight bounds of my upbringing, but in Canada I could be whomever I wished to be.  This certainly helped me on my journey and gave me a new start; no longer bound by my childhood and family expectations I could move forward with a new start.

The final evolution that was required which enabled me and say I love you more, have greater confidence in my gut instinct and have a voice all stemmed from my dad’s passing back in 2011.  With both parents gone I was no longer bound by a family adherence to structure or form even though I had lived overseas for much of my adult life.

Those long shadows of expectations had been ever present all through my life.  I realize that my family had mostly been confused by me, as I’d been different to my siblings.  In many unsaid ways the sexual abuse during my childhood had been an inconvenient truth that no one wanted to hear or acknowledge.  Me extricating myself to live overseas had been a blessing of sorts.

The lessons I learned during my years in Canada continue to dictate my life today even though I’m back in Australia.  I’m close to my sister and her family, but not so much with my other siblings.

The blessing I do believe I have upon reflection has been my influence on Zach and Sam.  Ensuring that they know without any doubt that I love them unconditionally, and saying I love you whenever I see them or end a call is important not only for me, but for them as well.  I want them to know they are loved!

I’ve also encouraged them to speak their mind, even as children having a voice is important but even more so is having your parents or the adults around you pay attention and support your ideas, emotions and thoughts even though, at times they may be conflicting – this was especially true during their adolescent years but one I value enormously.

During those years I learned to listen more, and rather than correct them or set them straight as to my position on a given situation or scenario asked them questions to probe their thinking and importantly their beliefs and values.  This imperceptible change brought us closer together.

As I reflect on my life if I changed my life experiences, although some of them have been long lasting and traumatic I wouldn’t be the person I am today.  As much as that may feel unfair, the truth is I’ve been shaped within the crucible of these experiences and become the person I am today directly because of them.

How about you?   If you take a moment in a quiet space and reflect, if you were able to see your whole life from start to finish would you change things?

Food for thought…

Until next week.

Ciao!