Loss and grief

Irrespective of who we are we have all experienced loss and grief at some point in our lives.  Sometimes the grief begins before the loss.

Let me explain.  During my childhood my mum was constantly unwell, with a variety of ailments including having her gall stones removed.  In retrospect it now also seems apparent that she also suffered from depression and anxiety, for which alcohol became her way of coping with it.

I remember clearly as a child fearing for my mum and the obvious pain and suffering,  she was experiencing…   It was during this time that tried to step into the void and minimize wherever possible the burden that she had.

Each morning, I would rise early and clean the house, stack the wood-box with firewood for our stove and heater, and do whatever other jobs needed to be done before making her coffee and leaving for school around 7:15 am.

This was my way of coping with the situation, and although I didn’t know it then I was already grieving.

Mum’s health continued to deteriorate before she had her first stroke at 56, which left her incapacitated to a large degree having lost the use of the right side of her body.  Her speech was slurred, and she struggled to regain her ability to walk. Even with some level of rehabilitation, she didn’t get the function back in her right arm.

From here it was a slow march to her final passing at 64.  In retrospect the sense of loss and grief had been a constant companion with me for many years.

It was with a deep-seated sense of dread when dad called me to say that I should come home for Christmas (I was living in Darwin) for what he thought would be her last Christmas.

She was slipping fast and it became painfully obvious that it would be the last time for us all to be together…   I didn’t cry at the time because I knew that if I did, I likely wouldn’t be able to stop. I felt completely helpless as it was clear that nothing anyone could do would stop the inevitable.

When dad called to tell me that mum had passed away.  She had been in and out of hospital for some weeks and dad had been a constant companion at the hospital.  He slipped home to get something that she had requested, but when he returned the nurse met him at the door of her room to say that she had just passed.

I’d never seen my dad cry until the day of her funeral.  It was heartbreaking…

Of course, the floodgates opened for me as well, and in some ways have never really closed.  To this day my tears linger just under the surface and need only the slightest of emotional reasons to sting my cheeks.

Until her passing I was always able to be somewhat stoic and not get too emotional with anything, but since then this layer of grief lurks around the edges of my life.

Given that mum passed away almost 40 years ago why do I still grieve?

I suppose the fact that mum never got to see my life unfold, to see my successes, to meet Zach and Sam or be a tangible part of their lives hits hard.

Shortly after mum’s passing, I moved to Canada and created a new life, visiting Dad every couple of years, so when he was diagnosed with brain cancer in August 2010, I decided to spend as much time as I could with him given the severity of his illness.

During his final six-months between the diagnosis and his passing I spend three weeks out of each month in Australia to be with him and help with Doctors appointments, blood tests, radiation and the like. I did the best I could but, in the end, felt like I let down everyone.

My ex was annoyed and upset that I was spending so much time in Australia, Zach and Sam missed me terribly, my work begrudgingly approved me for a remote role during this period and the worst part was that no matter what I did I couldn’t really help dad with his illness other than support him around the edges.

This was one of the most difficult times in my life… Of course, after dad passed away, I had to them pick up the pieces to my life and as you’d expect it didn’t go well.

Within a year I was in the midst of divorce, my kids were both distressed and significantly impacted, my employer was fed up with me, and we soon parted company even though I had been a high performing partner at the firm for several years.

Yeah, I was on the outs with everyone and everything…

It took me some time to regain my equilibrium, with my main aim to provide Zach and Sam with a stable homelife during their teenage years. Once they were well established at University, I began to refocus on me and finding peace and tranquillity within me.

Looking deeply within has helped me immeasurably to understand who I really am and how my emotions, and in particular how loss and grief have shaped my life.

Do you had aspects of your life that you just can’t explain?  Perhaps a deeper dive and a little self-reflection could help you just like it’s helped me over the years.  Food for thought!

Until next week.

Ciao!