A little grace and empathy goes a long way.  For each of us circumstances change sometimes seismic shifts other times nuanced changes.  However, to the outside, there are no visible changes on a day-to-day basis

Sometimes it’s the subtle changes that are the loudest, but the majority of us don’t pay attention on this level but instead see the person as they are physically, but not how they interact or communicate.

Unless you’re exceptionally close to someone, and even then, this can be tricky we don’t truly understand the battles that someone else maybe going through.  This was particularly true for me as a leader during the pandemic and all of my team were working remotely.

It really hit home for me personally.  I was responsible for supporting my team emotionally and each day during my zoom calls would always inquire about how they were doing, not just on the surface but asking the question a couple of times really helped them open up.

“How are you coping with working remotely?  Generally, this would be met with a surface level response “good” or “okay”, then I’d dig a little deeper.   “No, how are you really doing?” and let that phrase hang – most days this would be met with dead air and a long pause.

Sometimes the response was “no, really I’m doing okay”, but other days it was met with a longer silence and a deep sense of struggle on the other end.   Yes, there were days when there were tears…

The feeling of helplessness being on a video call with someone who was really struggling was difficult for both parties, but more so for the person feeling an unfathomable sense of dread and depression.

For me as a leader I didn’t celebrate these moments of vulnerability, but rather a deep sense of empathy washed over me as I sat and encouraged them to let it all out, and when they were ready to talk it out.

I understood the deep sense of isolation…

Interestingly, the most senior leader in our organization at the time displayed no such sense of empathy for his leadership team but expected us to support our teams accordingly with never a focus on how his team was managing.   Nope, it was all business all the time.

This was a great lesson in “what not to do” in a scenario like this.

I struggled everyday just like everyone else, but rarely did anyone ask about how I was doing.  I guess we never really think about our boss in situations like this – I get it.

In most cases the boss is seen as always on top of things and always just powering on.  And to a large degree this is true, as they often keep a forward looking and positive approach to any obstacles.

We all experienced that deep sense of disconnectedness during those couple of years.  In my mind no one came away from those years unscathed.  To some degree we all suffered – some far more than others.

In many respects I didn’t have too many external pressures, other than Zach and Sam being isolated within their university environments.  With my parents gone, and no spouse I didn’t have the additional pressure of parents or parents in law to care for.

Many members of my team has sick or elderly parents to also worry about beyond their children and so added a significant level of concern for many.

This just compounded the sense of isolation that we all faced.  I noted that even within couples where they had someone to share the experience, we tended to internalize this sense of disconnectedness.

It was during this time that I really tried to put myself into others shoes to get a sense of the struggles that they were experiencing.   Never fully being able to anchor myself there but endeavoring to feel just a little of the emotional trauma that they were going through.

Now four years removed from those desperate times it’s been a reflection point for me this past week.

We didn’t all come through unscathed…

Far from it, not only us but our kids still carry the trauma of those years, albeit unsaid it’s still lurking in the corners of their minds.

For me personally, although I love Canada and especially Toronto, I just knew I couldn’t live through another long cold, grey winter in isolation…

Some may see that my actions were drastic to say the least, but necessary.  I know what I’m capable of handling mentally and emotionally, and I knew deep down that I had reached as deep as I could without breaking completely.

So, like any sane person would do, they sold their home and moved countries.

To be clear there are no regrets.  I live in a incredible place, across the road from the Pacific ocean in a sub-tropical climate with my love.  The downside is that both Zach (California) and Sam (London UK) live far away.  Although I’ve reconciled myself to the fact that even if I was still in Toronto they would still be living their lives in those countries anyway.

The lessons I learned especially about leadership in turbulent times has stayed with me and realize that a little grace and empathy go a long way in helping others survive the difficult times.

This for me has been a great reflection point…

Until next week.

Ciao!

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