Nostalgia…

There is no question I’m an unabashed romantic and sentimentalist who’s often suffers from a healthy dose of nostalgia.

The meaning of nostalgia is “a sentimental longing or wistful affection for the past, typically for a period or place with happy personal associations”.

I’m unsure when I acquired my strong attachment to the past, but it’s been a constant companion since from when I remember.

I’ve missed Toronto since leaving in 2020, but what’s interesting is that as I’ve explored the city this week I’m left feeling a little adrift as it’s not the city I remember so fondly.

As I reflect on these feelings I think Jean-Paul Satre said it best “nothing has changed and yet everything is different”.

Jean-Paul Sartre was a French existentialist philosopher and pioneer, dramatist and screenwriter, novelist and critic. He was a leading figure in 20th century French philosophy.

I yearn for the Toronto that I raised Zach and Sam in.  A comfortable, neighbourhood existence with proximity to everything this city had to offer.

The romanticized version in my head now seems like a long-ago dream.

Over the past few days, I’ve put in some kilometres exploring the city, in fact in the first four days I’ve walked close to 85 kms.  Yep, the “dogs are barking”…

Armed with nothing more than my camera and iPhone as I criss-crossed the city on foot looking for the familiar places that made Toronto home for me, Zach and Sam.

I suppose the big take away for me has been the amount of change Toronto has undergone and it’s evolution since Covid has been significant.  Some might call this progress.

This is particularly true of my old neighbourhood – the Danforth.

As I walked along the Danforth it felt like someone had punched me in the gut.

There were so many empty storefronts but the more worrying sign that there were so few people on the sidewalk, where had once been a bustling community seemed desolate and empty now…

These feelings of nostalgia can be a curse as it often only bares disappointment.

Why do I long for my days living in Toronto?   I suppose much of it was spent with my kids through their formative years, who now are all spread to the four corners of the earth.

With Sam about to leave for the UK to undertake her master’s program at UCL and Zach to the University of Chicago for his second masters and Judy and I in Australia it’s difficult to be close-knit.

As a parent, it’s the dual edge sword of seeing your kids grow up to be amazing human beings, but at the same time bittersweet in they have grown up and begun to live their own lives.

Fulfilling, yet sad at the same time.

So, maybe it’s more about my time with Zach, Sam and our shared memories and experiences and less about the city itself.

Why do I long for things that are past?  What is it specifically about these things that trigger my emotions and feelings of loss.

It’s as if I want to remember Toronto as it was, and not how it is.

I realize that this is non-sensical and that with time, brings progress and thus change.

Toronto is a city in transition, with so much new construction from high rise buildings throughout the downtown core to the two new subway lines being built there is a lot going on.

Some of my old and favourite haunts are now just a construction site, others waiting for demolition.  Sad but a sign of progress I suppose.

However, the best part of my visit has been catching up with my friends that I have here.

Scheduling catch ups along with spending time with Zach and Sam has been a tad tricky, and no matter how hard I try and connect sometimes it just doesn’t work out.

Last October when we visited NYC and Judy’s family, I asked her if she missed New York and we surprised by her response.

“I can’t wait to go home (Brisbane), all you can smell here in NYC is cigarettes, exhaust fumes and pee… I’d never noticed these smells before until I moved to a place where the air is fresh and clean”.

Her level of nostalgia extends to her family and friends, and perhaps the energy of NYC, but not the actual place itself.

Judy is used to the hustle and bustle of Manhattan, although she’s become incredible adaptable given that she now resides in a sub-tropical climate by the ocean.

My ongoing battle with nostalgia goes far beyond Toronto.

In fact, I often dream of a simpler time when there seemed to be more hope and optimism in the world, where we aren’t burdened by technology and social media and all the things that come with it.

Yes, I’m a romantic, a sentimentalist and most of all nostalgic…

Until next week

Ciao!